A.K.Harris

Currently, the weather in the Hawkeye state is electric. There are tornado warnings out, which means everyone is to promptly put on their flip-flops, grab a Busch Light and report to their front lawns.

The weather in Iowa is like a bipolar monkey on acid, no joke. Nine months out of the year, on average, we spend in the bitter cold. We have two seasons; winter and hotter than the seventh circle of Hades. It is not only hot in the three months of non-winter we get, but it is humid too. It is no wonder we consider ourselves so darn durable.

A foot of snow you say, no problem, most of us will just put on our official Midwest Mom snow boots and head to the grocery store to “stock-up”, just in case we can’t get out for a week.

This reminds me of a very funny story regarding one of the many blizzards we endured this winter. I work at a pub in town a few nights a month to get out of the house. This night I was scheduled to work and it was already snowing big heavy wet flakes, probably about three inches worth was already on the ground. Well, my thought process was that I am in town not more than ten blocks from my house and people are going to come to the bar because that is what you do in a blizzard in Iowa, so I went to work. It snowed and snowed and snowed, and then it blew and blew and blew. I believe when all was said and done we did have over a foot of snow.

Did I mention that we are a durable people, we are the orthopedic shoe of the heartland, strong and stiff with thick soles.

In this blizzard we still had about twenty customers in the bar and people were leaving trying to get home. Only one group lived outside of town, so they left and promptly went into the ditch. We sent out some guys to get them, they go in the ditch. We sent another group out, they go in the ditch. Pretty soon we had eleven people out in the ditches within 500 feet of each other. Time to bust out the big guns, we rounded up two guys with sleds (that is what we call snowmobiles here). We got everyone in safely, but I still had yet to make it home. I got on the sled with my husband and first thing we tip over, then I drop my pizza, and then when we are so close to home, the sled breaks down. We had to walk in snow that was, no kidding guys, up to my hips. Anyway, the point is, we don’t stay in when weather hits, we roll with it.

The same is rings true for our summer weather. Unless there is an obvious tornado right on our stoop, you will find us outside in our lawn chairs watching, probably giving mother nature the finger. I think this is partly because of the menopausal mood swings in weather. We wake up and we have to have the furnace on, however, by afternoon we have to switch to air. Nothing surprises us. We are a funny breed. If you need me I will be outside gazing at the funnel clouds and wondering if tomorrow I will wear shorts or a parka.